The object of life is to make sure you die a weird death.
Thomas Pynchon
No lingering bedsore festering demise
for me—not a chance.
Something quick, probably violent,
that will make the mortician
really work for his money.
Something so bizarre, so outrageous
that it will get me on the evening news.
People will talk about it with their friends
for days, shake their heads ruefully.
“Can you believe it?” they’ll say.
“One minute he was there. The next minute
Who even knew such a thing was possible?”
They’ll need to come up with a whole new
warning label just to protect others
against whatever stupid thing I did.
It will be the sort of label people laugh at.
“Oh right,” they’ll say when they see it
for the first time. Like anybody would be dumb
enough to let that happen to them.”
There’ll be new memes about me
on social media.
Maybe even a Darwin Award.
Honestly, it’s so ripe with possibility,
I’m almost looking forward to it.